A SWAN SINGS ALONE
A coffee stained parchment.
Ink black. Cruel words blacker still -
Jagged as broken glass.
Folds across polaroid.
Our smile - faded, forgotten.
Spent, like loose change.
Leaves fall. Autumn due.
The lake a tranquil azure.
A swan sings alone.
- Ambiso Tawsik
Are the stanzas modeled on the haiku? I can see that it's not a strict 5,7,5 syllable form, but even so, the formal restraint of the lines seem to impart a sense of great emotion contained, if not repressed. Austere to the point of severity. Something we do not usually associate with love poetry, so quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe second stanza is my favourite; it almost seems to complete a story in three lines. The third stanza is almost too pastoral, a bit out of place for my taste, since the imagery in the first two stanzas is so personal and seem to be coming from the same space.
ReplyDelete-I really like how the imagery is heavy and yet so easy to understand. It feels well balanced. Each line strikes a very specific emotion. The amount of thought used to generate this piece is out of my imagination. Good work! -- Shayan
ReplyDeleteMake it even more crisper, sharper. An economy of words. Use enjambment to create cuts. Perhaps:
ReplyDeleteA SWAN SINGS ALONE
Coffee stained parchment.
Black ink. Words blacker still -
Jagged as broken glass.
Folds across polaroid.
Our smile - faded, spent
like loose change.
Leaves fall. Autumn's due.
The lake a quiet azure.
A swan sings alone.