Self reflective Essay

It was with a lot of excitement that I took up this course since this was the first time that I was actually going to learn how to write poetry. Up till this point, my poems had developed from trying to get the lines to rhyme, to expressing inner angst and finally to spoken word poetry where the focus is the sound and eye-catchy metaphors above everything else. That was what I tried to do for the first submission, which was a love poem. Even though it had strong and interesting metaphors, it could not stand the scrutiny of the entire class, looking at me to explain why I put in a certain line or a certain word in a certain place. That is when I started to realize that a brilliant image or metaphor cannot sustain an entire poem, there has to be more finesse which has to go into it. It was the first time that I edited a poem and restructured it significantly to get a particular result. I tried to keep the first few poems as short as possible so that I could edit them properly. I also began to put more thought behind my poems since they were not intended for a one time consumption.

As the teacher had put it, “the poem has to be good for the stage but should also work on the page”, and that leads me to the second realization that I could play around with line breaks, punctuations ad spaces to create more meaning. This was something which I had never experimented with much and it was only after I had written a couple of poems that I gained the confidence to try it out myself. The villanelle was the poem where I tried to make extensive use of the punctuation marks and though it might not stand out among the other poems which were brought up during the weekly peer review, it was a personal milestone for me. It was the first time that I found a rhythm and repetition intoxicating since there was not much need for new fancy metaphors than creative and inventive manipulation of the existing lines. Due to health issues and family problems, I had to miss out on a lot of classes, which I deeply regret. One of these was the class where the ghazal was discussed and that was probably the reason why I messed up the rules to be kept in mind while writing one. However, as I realized during writing the villanelle and the second ghazal, poems which have a predetermined repetition need to be edited for much longer to find the perfect combination.

I have also realized over the course of writing these twelve poems that the initial thought in my mind about what the poem has to look like cannot and should not restrict me from changing its course while the writing and the editing is taking place. The ghazal for instance, grew from a thought where I wanted to express an absurd thought about whether the stars we see in the sky aren’t lights in a huge grid, set up by the governments as a ploy to make us believe that there are other worlds out there, the research of which needs to be funded. However, the poem turned out to be quite different, about a person struggling with mental health issues and drug abuse. The initial idea, as fascinating as it seemed to my mind, did not materialize when I began writing and the second idea made more sense but still left something lacking. The next morning I altered the narrative to that of a war veteran with PTSD symptoms. A particular set of words in the second sher still gnawed at me and I changed it after almost writing the second draft. This ever-changing relationship with my poem is something which is quite similar to a relationship with other people. Thus, in a way editing made the poem come alive for me.

If writing and editing forced me choose the words carefully, the class discussions and the background readings forced me to choose the topics on which I wrote very carefully. The poem is not just about expressing what I felt, it was also about leaving the reader with something which they could carry away from the poem. In every discussion, we were asked to pick a line or a set of lines which stayed with us and while writing, it was there at the back of my mind that would the reader actually have something which would stay with them after reading it. The trajectory which I see in my poems, from “The address” to “I am Not” and finally to “Razer way shun”, I can almost see myself trying to get accustomed to my own voice, my own identity.

The response to Nitoo Dass was another interesting exercise, which could have been more interesting had I been able to attend the discussions of her poems. But it was still a delightful experience since I decided to try something which I could never have thought of, had I not come across her. The glossary poem was born out of a curiosity to see whether I can make the glossary into an integral part of the poem, in a way that it does not explain so much so as completes and complements the meaning, as a response to Nitoo’s stance on the use of glossary in poems.

There is a vast number of little things I have gained over this course, and not all of them is about writing good poetry. As once said during the class, the expression itself is not the only thing which needs to be worked upon, in order to become a good poet. The quantum of knowledge has to be constantly increased in order to become a better poet. And I believe that my quantum of knowledge has certainly gone up a few notches along with gaining a few more techniques over this course.

Self-reflective essay

My roller-coaster affair with words, started when I was about eight or nine years old, and I always favoured prose, because to my young brain, poetry was all about having rhyming words at the end, and that was something I was terrible at. I did develop an interest in reading poetry, thanks to Emily Dickinson, and John Keats, but I did not attempt to write my first poem when I passed out from school (considering those juvenile attempts at ten, with all rhyming words do not count). I mostly wrote to help with my ever-growing anxiety issues, it helped me calm down, penning down a few lines, also helped me breathe when faced with anxiety attacks, so I clung on to it.

When I opted for this class this semester, I had been having a writer's or more aptly, a poet's block, for a significant period of time. I had been able to pen down rants with flourish, but in terms of poetry, it was a dry, dry, spell. I was a little hesitant at the thought of joining a poetry workshop course, because I had always known that my poetry was still something that needed a lot of work, and something I was extremely conscious of. A friend pushed me to opt for the course, convincing me that it could only do me good, so I gave in and took a plunge.

Our first assignment was to write a love poem, and to be honest, I just picked out one I had written some time back, edited it little, and submitted it, but then I went through the other poems some of the other students had posted, and I realised, I might never be as good as any of them, but I definitely needed to put in more of an effort, if I actually wanted anything out of this course. So, with the ghazal, I tried long and hard. It was a form I was not familiar with, to be honest, ghazals in English, seemed like a terrible idea, but then we read Shahid's 'Tonight', and I knew it was something I had to at least attempt. As mentioned before, rhyming and I, aren't on the best of terms, but with the ghazal, it somehow did not pose to be an issue. Whatever Shahid was talking of, the emotions, the struggle, I could largely relate to that, so it was not as gargantuan a task I had expected it to be. The ghazal's form gave me a restraint that I desperately needed. When it came to the villanelle however, I struggled and struggled, and then mostly, gave in, and try to do the best I could. The form frustrated me, and all my peace with rhyme schemes was forgotten, and we were back to waging wars. I was almost in tears, because the restrictive form kept me from saying all that I wanted to, I felt like, it was either my emotions or the form of the poem, it could not be both, not for me. Upon reading my villanelle, my struggles will be clearer.

Coming to what I am most thankful for, which is the political poem, because it made me realise, that poems did not have to be only about abstract emotions, they could be about concrete experiences, not only as the thought behind the poem, but actually in the poem too. That is something that our professor kept reminding us too, that our poems only needed to make sense to us, that they did not need to be explained, constantly reminding us to ground the emotions we were expressing. With the political poem, I expanded not only my subject matter, but also the vocabulary I used in my poems, being assured that words from our native tongues, had a place in our poetry, for they were a part of us, just like the experiences or memories behind the poems. It is something that I have tried to make us of, but of course, as most things, it will take time, and I have to remind myself that it is okay to not use just English words, but I still ending up using words from Urdu and Hindi in a few of my poems, using words like 'azaan', or 'matam' or 'moortis' had never seemed to be an option before. Also, Nitoo Das taught us an important lesson, that we did not need to necessarily use capitalisation or punctuations, which was something I had seen other poets do, but I had not really dabbled with, but I have attempted to do it in my later poems, and I find it quite liberating. There is a certain thrill in beginning a poem with a lowercase letter, using capitalisation only to empasise, similar is the thrill of ending a poem without a period, but I am still too new to this to take it that far.

The one on one review with our professor, reinstated my own fear, that I needed to learn to edit, to learn to let go of lines, to not explain myself, to not be repetitive. Honestly, it's all a little much, but I am taking baby steps towards it, trying to carefully weigh out each word, and refrain from using cliches, but it is something that will take time, but at least, this course, has helped me start the process.

I am really glad my friend pushed me, for otherwise, I would still be writing never ending love lorn poems, with no personal substance, with all lines capitalised, and each line ending with a comma or a period, and not even realising that anything was wrong with it. I am also so thankful for my introduction to Agha Shahid Ali, because that really made me see how different English poetry could be.

Self-Reflective Note

I registered for this course because I was tired of telling people that I didn’t reciprocate to poetry; even without giving myself a chance. I had always said that prose worked best for me. So, the intention for picking this course was to tickle my poetic-bone (if there’s anything like that). And, I can’t thank Akhil enough for re-introducing poetry in such an incredible manner.

My first poem for the class, ‘Of Love’ was a total fail. It had more commas than words. Thematically, I had tough time breaking down and categorizing the word ‘love’. To me, each poem I wrote throughout the semester was about love. So, I penned things which—even thinking about brought peace to my mind. Because I was writing in winters, the imageries turned out to be relating to that particular season. For example, in this poem I talked about hot baths and woolen gloves.

“sniffing beloved’s woolen glove.”

“of a hot bath.”

Had I written it in April, the mode of both bathing and clothing would’ve changed. This brought me to an understanding that while writing a poem or prose, the surrounding physical conditions also have a role to play. The following week, while writing ghazal, the influence of my surrounding experiences reflected in my writing. During that time, I took a lot of trips to Jama Masjit. Hence, my ghazal, ‘Ittar Shop’ is also set in one of the narrow lanes surrounding Jama Masjit.

“Seeing you pass by Jahan Numa, they swell tonight.”

The ghazal talks about unrequited love (an extension of the Love Poem week, maybe?). Ittar was central to my ghazal, and it goes back to my experience of buying it a day before.

“Two kohl eyes met in my Ittar shop tonight.”

Poets like Faiz, Gulzar, and Ahmad Faraz are all I can think of when it comes to ghazals. But after reading Agha Shahid Ali’s ghazals in English, I was overwhelmed in excitement. And I quote Nitoo Das, “There can only be one Tonight.” I enjoyed reading and writing ghazal and villanelle the most (emphasis). Initially, I was petrified, given the set schemata. I thought it will cut slack of my creativity but the more constrictive it became, the more I explored the mnemonics of writing poems. The rules paved a path for me, urging to explore the un-explored. Forget writing, I even loved editing my ghazal—keeping the syllable count in check and making it more compact with each revision. Yet I feel, it is still unfinished and will always be.

Political poetry week taught me a lot of things. I wrongfully perceived it to be an easier exercise. I was too naïve to think that once you identify your politics, the work is done. For instance, my political poetry was about the curfew in Kashmir which was imposed on the day of Eid in 2016. While writing, I was clear about my subject matter and the tools which I were to be employed in the poem. But after getting feedback from Akhil, I realized I was ‘too’ clear about the subject matter. What I was trying to convey was very apparent or say—right in the face. I recognized the art of subtlety while writing a poem and the importance of abstracting your idea. Not everything has to be right there—on the page, in solid words. I learnt that not everything needs to be served on the platter for readers. This point was also bought up while getting feedbacks from Nitoo Das where she advised to omit using italics. When you italicize the non-English words, you are unconsciously putting words into hierarchy of what should stand out and what should not. Why should they stand out for the readers after all? Writers should put the responsibility of researching the non-English words onto the shoulders of readers. Writing response poems to Nitoo Das was difficult because I didn’t know what to say but appreciate her skill of writing poems.

One of the most crucial things which I learnt during the span of four months was the art of criticism. Each class began with an exercise to identify one line which worked and one which we’d like to change in a poem. This, I think was the most constructive way of criticizing somebody’s work. So, the know-how of this constructive approach was as much important as writing a poem. Feedback from my cohort was really helpful and it definitely turned my poems into better ones.

Classes on syllables and structuring was very crucial for me. I learnt about all this in one semester as much as I never did during my three years as a Literature student. I learnt a lot of things from the first week of writing poetry to the last. I refrained from using words just like that—in the air. I tried not to casually use universal and grand ideas. One of the most important things which I will always keep in mind—you have to labor enough to use clichés. A poet has to earn his/her right to use clichés. Besides, I became more aware of the context of the words I was picking. I held back from casually using words like “life” and “truth” in poems.

Another thing, which I personally call the ‘cheat-sheet’ was the RhymeZone website. But it was helpful too. While looking for rhyming words, I ended up forming lines which I would have never thought of otherwise. Classroom exercises on line-enjambment, simile and especially on prosody helped a lot while editing the poems. It was altogether, an enriching workshop. Thank you, truly.

Essay on poetry Journey

Crafting Poetry

January-April 2018

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I must admit the class workshops was therapeutic. Quite surprised at classmates
honesty in baring their thoughts in it. Since I missed the midterm submission of 6 poems.
Restarting from scratch to finally pen down. I was quite critical of it since
I am never good at words. I found myself recollecting unrecorded experiences of life,
esp inaudible instances and moments which was undeciphered. I found myself also
waiting in the present to let words come in from what I see and observe
everyday. Switch my thought towards what I am actually doing at the moment, this
is a renewed experience for me because I find my thought process which used to
be constantly muddled up ranting out bits by bits in raw unprocessed emotive words
. The drafting piece has lots of lines unused yet it was fun to pick add or delete....
playing with sentences and googling grammer synonyms has led to richer vocabulary...
learning new words and awareness on grammar accuracy, left me
wondering if the gift of words is an inherent or an acquired skill.
Poetry is a safe space to vent...a space to hammer,
transform and give strength to our  language and celebrating the crafted mind.

The deep concentration and feeling of the moment as a
waiting period for words to flow was the fuel of the first Poem
‘I breathe’. The Villanelle structure was birthed when I placed
the rhyming of words. From the words itself brings meanings
and new resonance which I connect the dots with migratory
familial spaces to society to political. I didn't intend to but it turned
out into a new stream of thought. It has music element on which
i traced a friend’s who is musician and his absence after his
death and the current grief has led me to understand what is
this present now. Wrote this poem in waves of heightened
emotion and fear. The poem further led to the emphasis on hands
as a major subsequent themes in the rest of my poems.
Speaking of the past history and upbringing has been a major
topic in my everyday engagement to decipher...and the
everyday working of hands stood out as a major theme in the
rest of the poems as well...I am noticing...through the hands
is what comes the eating of fruit good or bad, a metaphor of
nurturing role or brought even the possibilities of Eve giving fruit
to Adam. Holding thy hand as a representation of the Creator.
Poems I infused in is things from pre acquired beliefs, things
from lived visuals and silence in my writing is also used as a
main drive  for noting down such non-verbal experiences. I
enjoyed the repeated techniques of villanelle. From this birth
the direction to reality, was rewarding. The poem didn't not
succumb only to private sphere but also moves in legal matter
and even political and cultural catastrophe. In short its best
to write in bad moods, so sometimes I’d write when I am
physically hungry.

I took weeks to finally finish the draft of ‘April’. Found the theme
most challenging to write. putting in bits of past experiences
and the poem April meant to have this resonance of the many
years of april counting from decades in dreading the coming
month of 2018 which is next month. The dates was important
and I resorted with time calculation because of the important
events in April. The familiar sights in the approaching summer
like the cassias always seemed like weeping peacefully. it was
also times of goodbyes to loved ones and celebrating of their
birthdays and anniversaries. However it was after the political
performative poetry workshop, I find the family as politically
socio-economic structure and a closest confide of everyday
interactions. I also wanted to see how my perspective would
change after spilling out an uninterrogated past emotions.
The performative style was different in every performative
poem that I listened for hours. Some are lyrical and narrative and
some sounded more like a resistance in an angry protest, an
urgency. Angershatters and breaks into a mess, I still feel the
poem needs to be edited and I am not satisfied in terms of  laying
it out everywhere, I don't understand myself where to put,
what to add and delete or what I wanted to express and in
consideration of what audience I am speaking to. There are too
many characters in thought...I also took advantage of writing
some excerpts from the movie scripts 'Jungle' in the life story
of amazon trekker survivor...i like the way the red ants falls on
him and bites him where he planned this to wake himself up
from psychological hallucination. After writing this poem I fear
no more and ready to embrace the April month.

I enjoyed the visual possibilities of ‘Poetry of everyday objects’
 and transferring it into humane sensibilities...I feel I should
work more on the visualisation in writing poems, this may blend
well with my artwork practice as well. The wristwatch
stemmed on the four line poem exercise from the class, to ‘dig
in the sublime thought as the brand’ talk against the popular
capitalist things we consume everyday. Basing the worth of an
object by branding is a rejection of the particular worth of a
gift. The rest of the objects i picked were dearly loved objects,
that which I am familiar ad remember where it come from,
 was an easier path to bring out sensibilities in a tea bag, red
velvet cake and Tea tree essential oil. Though honestly
overnight, I guess objects that we continue to use everyday
will bring more nuances as I spend more time with it.

The following independent poem - Unfinished lines starts with
symbolically known historical elements like Auguste Rodin's
hands and ends with Kintsugi a japanese art of mending broken
pottery by Gold. I took more pleasure in using those popular
forms to create a meaning of the love poem in a couplet. This
poem is largely an inaudible expressions except for the
whispering, giving more emphasis on the potential of invisible
lines. This was purely playful. Using the traces from object
poetry and inaudible but experiential expressions except for
a whisper.  In another independent poem ‘Here’ I thought of
one theme ‘here’, as a space to talk. A certain space, certain
person, and certain conditions and intentionally made it into
a meditative poem. As a reminder as well, because out of my
habit to write notes wherever I walking, sitting, at any given
time, I thought why not make a poem which is set as a note
reminder to enhance the journey of authenticity.

Altered beauty, a response poem from Nitoo Das ‘Geeta
sings thumri’, I followed the same pattern of  four stanza, seven
stanza and two stanzas gave boundaries and did brought
of meaning in its shifts. Getting to read Nitoo Das’s works and
the aim to bring out its interiority .has brought focus on the
concern of editing and directional mechanism of technology
and media.  The concept of movie director’s portrayal and the
larger scope of media is huge and vast to generalise it all in.
So i narrowed down into an everyday social media level because
that way is also a public persona and what are we do
without reexamining consumption of visual in the
advertisements and media.

Power of short words, short poems, it's been short four
months of poetry but I shall use this as another quiet space for
venting out. Sometimes I wonder if i edit too much or just let
the words flow with the mix of emotions filtering by time. I
enjoyed the reading and editing of friend's poems, seeing
different insights of weakness and strengths of each poems
and how all these is an integral experiences expressed in
crafted text and filling our blog. At one point I was shocked
too when people laughed at a certain opinion which is against
my faith and I struggled  to break out from their one
dimensional background. But eventually I came in peace with
it that all those exercises stays in the classroom and
renewed respect even in difference of opinions was what
shape me. Sir's example of punctuality and preparedness
was which led to birth of poems. A simple act, what is in
poetry is expanding its nuances from that very simple act.
Words are still blunt and spread everywhere as I draft but
the draft i think is a gold mine to always go back when lost.

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Written By,

Gracelia Gangmei

MA VISUAL ART