I fell for your magic smile.
No, not just the smile
The curve your lips made
Your chin gained form suddenly
Before one had time to realize
Your face was gleaming.
The first night amidst poetry sessions
I observed your glances at me
I couldn't stop blushing through the night
My room mate told me the next morning
She had heard me pracicing mature conversations to a boyfriend.
When I finally got to unbutton your shirt
I felt I had found the heat I was looking for.
Your insides just lay bare, staring at me
And while I draw the reader's gaze to a male body,
Your gaze was still on me.
***
I can name the parts of my lean, coiled body
That you thrust your palms on,
Where you pulled open more than just clothes
While telling me natural bodies are a thing of art.
So, though I hated my exposed breasts (I still do),
I nodded along: like I nodded through your poems
And it was all nodding from there.
Nodding: To not lose you,
: To re-assure you.
Smiling: Nervously,
: Sheepishly.
Trying : To take my time,
: To beg you to wait.
Sighing : For the shock that it was,
: Which you thought was hot.
Your chest sweat dripping down my lips
The curve beside your lips-so perfect.
I wanted to jump on you once you stop
Just waiting for your load to get off my chest.
It wasn't too soon when I could see
Your load was going nowhere
That it wouldn't go; it couldn't go,
That to do me is all you got to do tonight
I called your name
You stared onto outer space
Maybe back in time
Running somewhere away.
***
The room lay oblivious:
The same yellow lamp by the bookcase,
The site of most your profile pictures
Reading; surrendering to an author far away.
I wanted that humility too
I wanted the calm, the surrender.
I wanted to see you un-manned tonight.
I wanted the softness with which you smiled.
And your carpets, your paintings,
Mention of which you flung in the air
One hour into meeting five fine upper caste women,
All lay silent witnesses to my atrocity.
You were done in a while.
I dresses and smiled.
"You are beautiful."
I listened.
***
Three months later they told me
I should have known
They told me I invited it
They told me I did it for the fame he came with
'My person' threw file after file
Paper after paper for me : Oh what a fighter!
She said I only have to stress how much I tried to stop
They said I'm not at fault; I'm just the victim.
From a distance, I sat admiring your smile
Oh what a huge man you are.
And what stink of rot you come with.
I laid back; I could now see across the room:
All huge men with black robes and blinded eyes
With khakhi clothes and neat ties
With tattered chappals and famous lives
With Insta accounts with thousand likes
With banner, kurtas, voice pitched high
With beef parties and Ambedkarite lies
With poetry groups and tongues like knives
With faces like swans, with beautiful smiles:
These are all your men.
***
No, not just the smile
The curve your lips made
Your chin gained form suddenly
Before one had time to realize
Your face was gleaming.
The first night amidst poetry sessions
I observed your glances at me
I couldn't stop blushing through the night
My room mate told me the next morning
She had heard me pracicing mature conversations to a boyfriend.
When I finally got to unbutton your shirt
I felt I had found the heat I was looking for.
Your insides just lay bare, staring at me
And while I draw the reader's gaze to a male body,
Your gaze was still on me.
***
I can name the parts of my lean, coiled body
That you thrust your palms on,
Where you pulled open more than just clothes
While telling me natural bodies are a thing of art.
So, though I hated my exposed breasts (I still do),
I nodded along: like I nodded through your poems
And it was all nodding from there.
Nodding: To not lose you,
: To re-assure you.
Smiling: Nervously,
: Sheepishly.
Trying : To take my time,
: To beg you to wait.
Sighing : For the shock that it was,
: Which you thought was hot.
Your chest sweat dripping down my lips
The curve beside your lips-so perfect.
I wanted to jump on you once you stop
Just waiting for your load to get off my chest.
It wasn't too soon when I could see
Your load was going nowhere
That it wouldn't go; it couldn't go,
That to do me is all you got to do tonight
I called your name
You stared onto outer space
Maybe back in time
Running somewhere away.
***
The room lay oblivious:
The same yellow lamp by the bookcase,
The site of most your profile pictures
Reading; surrendering to an author far away.
I wanted that humility too
I wanted the calm, the surrender.
I wanted to see you un-manned tonight.
I wanted the softness with which you smiled.
And your carpets, your paintings,
Mention of which you flung in the air
One hour into meeting five fine upper caste women,
All lay silent witnesses to my atrocity.
You were done in a while.
I dresses and smiled.
"You are beautiful."
I listened.
***
Three months later they told me
I should have known
They told me I invited it
They told me I did it for the fame he came with
'My person' threw file after file
Paper after paper for me : Oh what a fighter!
She said I only have to stress how much I tried to stop
They said I'm not at fault; I'm just the victim.
From a distance, I sat admiring your smile
Oh what a huge man you are.
And what stink of rot you come with.
I laid back; I could now see across the room:
All huge men with black robes and blinded eyes
With khakhi clothes and neat ties
With tattered chappals and famous lives
With Insta accounts with thousand likes
With banner, kurtas, voice pitched high
With beef parties and Ambedkarite lies
With poetry groups and tongues like knives
With faces like swans, with beautiful smiles:
These are all your men.
***
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