Alarm.
Wake up.
Feet on floor.
Eyes closed.
Bathroom.
Colgate on brush.
Up.
Down.
Side to side.
Gargle.
Spit.
Smile.
Bath?
Cold.
Compromise.
Deodrant.
Polo men.
Apply generously.
Keys.
Right to lock.
Check.
Raise hands.
Hail auto.
Metro.
Tired eyes.
Yellow line.
No seat.
Remember.
Another day.
Another dollar.
Realize.
Motivation.
In Flatline.
Love the short lines. Makes the rhythm panicky for me.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought that you meant death by the title, but the form and the content make me think more of static. Were you trying to contain both the meanings in the last line?
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ReplyDeleteeach stanza creates the effect of monotony but there is a spark too, especially with words like yellow, polo men, deodorant. I wanted to ask though are the three words in the last stanza trying to signify other meanings too, for example does motivation also come in yellow, awake, polo men, hail auto?
ReplyDeleteone or two word lines successfully created an aura of a minimal life. I like how the poem takes you along with each passing stanza.
ReplyDeleteWonderful. Good rhythm. My suggestion would be to remove all the full-stops. And even all the big-case letters. Read e.e. cummings and see how he uses the small case. In any case, the line-breaks do the work of the pause. Remove full-stops. Especially in the last stanza, it reads much sharper because of the run-ons:
ReplyDeleterealize
motivation
in flatline
Well done. Enjoyed this.